


Illumi Goes To Staples

by NaegiMakotos



Category: Hunter X Hunter, Staples - Fandom
Genre: Retail, staples
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-06 17:56:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4231323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaegiMakotos/pseuds/NaegiMakotos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>all of the tagged characters work at staples except illumi, who is instead a regular customer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Illumi Goes To Staples

**Author's Note:**

> i work at staples. my friend told me to write this at like 12:30 in the morning the other day.
> 
> the only staples term i used that u need to know is that the csat is the survey that prints at the bottom of the receipt that customers take to rate the store and when they leave comments the manager reads all of them. the roles i decided on were that killua works easy tech bc gon roped him into working @ staples w/ him and hates the job a lot but does it for gon and also is very good at selling? leorio works office supplies but is very bad at knowing where things are. hisoka works copy and print and consistently makes very minor errors to peoples orders on purpose to piss them off. gon is the cashier and is the best cashier in the entire company. kurapika is the manager who hates all of his employees and his job in itself and desperately wants to switch stores, but stays because gon gets phenomenal scores on the csat.

illumi walks into the store. "where are the notebooks?" he asks  
"uhhhh" leorio doesnt know, he never does. he pulls out his headset. "does anyone know where the notebooks are?"  
"leorio, you work in office supplies and youve been there for 6 months you should know theyre in aisle 13" killua replies in the headset. "why am i doing both of our jobs?"  
leorio and killua begin to argue over the headset about how leorio has a shit memory. illumi regrets coming into this store.  
"hey, i asked for 70 copies! why are there only 69?" a man yells from the copy and print center. hisoka laughs. illumi really hates himself now.

illumi gives up and finds the notebooks on his own. he buys a few, no one knows why. he goes to the register to buy them.  
"hi illumi! did you find everything you were looking for?" gon says, cheery as always. illumi doesnt reply, he just sighs. gon asks if he has a rewards card. of course illumi has a rewards card because he fucking loves staples. he uses hisokas card though so he can get 10% off of his notebooks. he also makes sure hisoka gets a digital receipt of the purchase because he knows hisoka hates those little shits spamming his inbox, everyone does. he pays for his notebooks and gets the hell out of there. "have a good day!!" gon says, smiling obnoxiously. kurapika sits in his office, crying at how much he hates everyone except gon.

illumi goes home and gives the store a 5/5 on the csat survey. the comments section reads "everyone working at this establishment is an idiot. cashier was nice though."

the end


	2. Chrollo Comes To Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an average morning shift turns into kurapikas personal hell. then again, every shift is kurapikas personal hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, the only real staples term i used is csat, which is explained in the last chapter's notes. none of the characters are very accurate in terms of personality, but were they ever in the first place? no, they werent. this chapter is a lot longer and took me a lot longer to write, and future chapters will probably be around this length as well, but who knows?

brrrrriiiiing!  
the alarm rings really obnoxiously at 6am on a friday morning. kurapikas crusty eyes open just barely, he is exhausted because its 6 in the goddamn morning. he rolls out of bed, gets himself tidied up, and heads out.  
"why the FUCK does this store have to open at 8 in the morning" he says to himself. hes a manager. hes gotta be there at 7 to do whatever the hell managers do before opening time. by the time hes done doing all that crap its 8 and time to get the show on the road. the first one to walk in is gon who, somehow, is super happy to be working at 8am.  
"GOOD MORNING KURAHPIKA!" gon says. actually, no, he screams it. he loves staples so much. killua slowly follows because gon and killua literally never leave each other alone for any longer than five minutes.  
"oh well, at least theyre not late" kurapika thinks to himself. a few minutes later leorio arrives, fumbles trying to get the headset on, and heads over to the furniture department to rearrange some chairs.  
"has anyone seen hisoka?" kurapika asks from the headset at around 8:30. hisoka is always late. what a dick.

nothing too out of the ordinary happens for awhile. leorio guides people to the wrong places when they ask where things are, killua sells a phone, gon racks up happy customers and good csats, and kurapika is running around everywhere trying to do both hisokas job and his own.  
"why dont you just fire the asshole?" killua asks  
"ugh why do i have to do EVERYTHING?" kurapika replies "its easier to copy-paste the schedule than to do the paperwork to fire him"  
"is that why you always put me on for days i request off?" leorio asks  
"uh...no...?" kurapika says. his secret has been discovered. he hates making schedules.  
"kurapika, youre the manager. youre SUPPOSED to do everything, idiot" killua angrily states.  
"mind your own business and go sell a computer i hate this as much as you do"

at around 10:20 or so hisoka decides to show up to work. fucking finally. he strolls into the managers office to grab a headset and notices kurapikas eyes are red. like really fucking red.  
"holy shit i want to fight him" hisoka thinks to himself. he fights the urge and neither of them say anything. after hisoka leaves kurapika closes the door to his office and screams. he just starts screaming. everyone ignores it except gon who breaks down the door.  
"KURAHPIKA WHAT'S WRONG???" he yells.  
"i just cant take it anymore. i just cant take it anymore. i just cant take it anymore. i just cant take it anymore." kurapika says over and over again. he recently binge watched neon genesis evangelion and really related to shinji's struggles. what an inspiration that boy is. gon doesnt know what to do so he just gives him a pat on the back and runs back to the register. there were a couple customers waiting in line.  
just then, at the best possible moment, kurapikas number one favorite person walks in. gon knows kurapika hates this man. everyone hates him. gon's extra nice just to piss him off.  
"hi chrollo! how are you today? do you need help look-" gon is cut off by the man  
"where is he." chrollo says. it wasnt a question, but a statement. chrollo is the manager at the rival staples store from two towns over. the stores are constantly fighting to be number 1 in the district. chrollos store always won every month until gon came around.   
"chrollo what the hell do you want get out of my store" kurapika yells from the managers office.  
"now thats not a nice way to treat a customer, but ill let it slide." chrollo says calmly. he strolls over to the binder section and picks out a few. illumi walks in a few seconds later because why the fuck not. no one says anything and so he just walks over to copy and print to talk to hisoka.

chrollo spends like a goddamn hour in the store looking at the binders. he comes to the register with like 7 binders. who the hell needs 7 binders. everyone wonders why he doesnt just get the binders at his own store, but kurapika knows exactly why. chrollo has been mad that his store has come in at #2 on the csat every single month, losing only to gon. gon is invincible. who doesnt love gon?

anyway chrollo buys all these goddamn binders. everyone knows chrollo is just trying to push the $20 minimum thats required for the csat survey to print on the receipt. kurapika, eyes still red, sulks back into his office. he watches the transaction from a distance.

the total comes out to $24.62 including the tax. chrollo has done it, or so he thinks. gon knew what to do, and since tax isnt considered when it comes to printing out the survey, he took off just enough from each binder that the total, pre-tax, came to $19.24. what a sneaky little boy. chrollo pays for the binders and the receipt prints, without a survey.

"sorry chrollo, but it looks like the survey didnt print out! better luck next time!" gon says with a tone of friendliness that almost sounds insincere. chrollo, pissed, leaves the store. he sits in his car and cries for a little bit while listening to the christian rock station before driving home.

"gon why did you do that?" everyone asks  
"was it because i wasnt in a good mood today?" kurapika wonders  
"chrollo is the enemy and we need to drag him down to hell" gon tells them with a smile. illumi sees gon smiling while saying this and is made very uncomfortable by the employees at this godforsaken store. he leaves immediately, not even buying anything. what an ass.


End file.
